Down To The Wire

I’m one of those people who tend to smile and tell everyone that everything is going to be alright, even if I’m not sure it will be. I love cheering people up and making them laugh. I don’t like to burden others with my own problems because I don’t want people to worry about me. I keep everything that is bothering me all bottled up until I can’t take it anymore and then I let go for a moment, but just a moment. I usually get up, brush myself off, and keep going.

See, it’s not that I’m afraid of expressing myself, since anyone who knows me knows that I frequently speak my mind. Over the past few years, more often than not, I’ve kept my raw emotions about my own life to myself and only shared them with a few people that I trust. Because of this, I feel like I’ve deprived myself of things in my life because I was afraid of letting go. Why? Well, mostly because my harshest critic is myself. I don’t like people to see me weak.

In the beginning, the fear of my weaknesses exposed was a result of an abusive childhood and an abusive marriage. I learned at a young age that there are not many people you can trust and this belief has only been reinforced as I’ve grown older. Situations and friends have changed, but I’ve been taken advantage of time and time again because deep down inside, I want to trust people. I want to see the good in everyone that I believe is there. I don’t know… call me an optimist. Lately my fear of being seen as weak is because those closest to me have hurt me the most by violating my trust. Lying to me is one of the worst things you can do to hurt me.

People who think trust and kindness is a sign of weakness are vultures. These vultures prey on people and take advantage of them until they are no longer needed. When they are finished using you, the vultures toss you out in the trash like leftovers you wouldn’t even feed a starving dog. Vultures should be the bottom feeders in our society, yet somehow they thrive and flourish without empathy for anyone else but themselves. I think this is completely imbalanced and it’s something that we need to correct. How can we let people get away with this? Is there not any justice without coming across as an asshole for wanting it? I’d like to think that karma is going to take out the real trash, but it’s hard to not dwell on something when you’ve been hurt.  This is what I keep bottled up inside. Recently, I had an eruption.

The reason I haven’t been as social lately is because I was involved in a huge design project that a friend, who I worked with before, included me in. When he asked me if I wanted in, I was not only honored that he thought of me, but I was happy and excited that the money from this project was going to change my life in so many positive ways. I thought that this is what I’ve been waiting for.

See, I work a full-time job overnights that I know is a dead end for the simple fact that I need money to pay my bills. I also need the health insurance that comes with it, even though an entire day’s work goes toward paying for it. Although my husband and I both work full-time jobs, the cost of living here is so high that I can’t cover my regular bills. I depend on my husband to work a second job just to help bring in more income so we have food to eat and a little extra money. Any freelance work I get is always a blessing. Even if it’s not much, every little bit counts. I haven’t been on a vacation in 7 years. I can’t even afford to move away. I feel like I’m drowning and every so often I’m pulled up long enough to get a gasp of air before my head is forced back under. I’m tired of holding my breath, but I digress.

This friend of mine offered me this job in August. He is friends with and works for a guy who owns a large design mall. The owner wanted not only his own site designed, but a site for every single store in his mall, which was over 60 units. My friend was told to go ahead and hire someone to do this work and help build up promotion for it. The owner wanted my friend to handle everything and I was told that the owner was ready to do this now. My friend asked me to not take any other work since every week I was being told we were starting the next week. When the next week would come, I was given some bullshit excuse as to why it was going to wait another week. I turned down jobs that were offered to me thinking that I wouldn’t have the time to commit to them because I trusted my friend. I thought surely he wouldn’t hurt me. I was once again looking for the good in someone and having faith that it would be there.

In the meantime, I had been discussing with my friend what course of action we were going to take. We talked about strategies and I came up with a lot of ideas that would save the owner a lot of money and at the same time make him a lot of money. When my friend came to me and said that the owner wasn’t going to be able to afford my quote for whatever reason, I lowered it not as just a favor for my friend, but because at this point I needed that money since my husband was no longer working a second job and because I turned down other projects for this. I also figured that if I couldn’t use the money to move, I could at least use it to take a much needed and well-deserved vacation. I think you can see where this is going.

My friend told me I was finally going to get my deposit. The owner was printing the check that night and was going to be mailing it certified the next morning. I was ecstatic to say the least, since my financial situation had taken a turn for the worse and all the money would now be going to bills. Then the shit really started to hit the fan.

My friend told me that I would be receiving more money than my quote because he told the owner that it was going to cost more thinking that the owner was going to give him the money to distribute to me and he would take a cut (which also means he edited my outline and contract without my knowledge). Now, I wouldn’t have minded a friend taking a small finder’s fee for helping me out and giving me this work, but his finder’s fee was more than a THIRD of what my quote was! Not only that, he asked me if I could give him the difference since it would be in my hands. You know, because he was a friend. The next morning I called my friend to make sure the check was in the mail and to get my tracking number for it. He finally returned my call a day later telling me that the owner printed my check but now needs to hold off. The reason this time? Well, according to my friend, the owner apparently bought 2 new cars and realized that he spent beyond his means, which really shouldn’t make a difference since his personal finances were separate from his business ones and I would be helping him make more money. He told me I was going to have to wait a month. On this, I call bullshit.

After doing everything I had done trusting a friend, I got screwed over BIG TIME. Not only did my friend add a huge amount to my quote for himself while asking me to lower mine knowing my situation, I don’t believe the owner needed to hold off. I think it is just another excuse from my friend, but this time it would be the last since he has suddenly disappeared and has not gotten back to me, whether it be by text, email, phone, Facebook, etc. You name it, he can reach me. I believe that he is the one deciding to not go through with this with me because he is worried he wouldn’t get his “share”, and at this point, I couldn’t care less. Is my friendship really worth that little? Obviously to him. You know why? Because he is a vulture. He knew my weaknesses and he exploited them for himself and when he thought he would be the one getting screwed, he cut and ran. Typical vulture.

So why am I putting all of this out there? Because even though I got hurt, I realized that I really don’t care if anyone knows. In fact, why should I act like everything is okay when it’s not? I’m sitting here showing the world my weaknesses and not caring that I’m exposed. I don’t want to say that I made the mistake of trusting a friend because you should trust your friends. The day I stop trusting everyone is the day I’ve lost my faith in humanity. I don’t want to be a cynic. I would rather be hurt again than become someone who doesn’t care about anyone else but themselves. I’m also letting go of holding in my feelings. If I expressed my frustration more at the beginning, I would have saved myself a lot of headaches and I wouldn’t be in this position. I was played for a fool, and I am partly to blame, but not as much as my so-called friend.

This situation also made me re-evaluate what I really want to do. I’m a writer at heart, music is my passion, and web design was something that fell in my lap. I decided that I am going to do everything I love and I shouldn’t be scared away from something I enjoy doing because someone screwed me over.

I know I’ll get through this, no matter what happens. I’m keeping my faith in karma and hoping that something good will come my way. I believe what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and if anything, this has made me stronger by me realizing that I can’t hold everything in and I can still trust people because if there is at least one person out there that reads this and can relate, then there is still hope. Hope is a good thing, and I’m going to hold on to that hope and keep my head held high.

I’m leaving you with a song below called Vultures by John Mayer. The lyrics are included below. What would a post from me be without some music? Plus the song is fitting for how I feel. And one final thing: Fuck the vultures.

Vultures by John Mayer

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Lyrics

Some of us, we’re hardly ever here
The rest of us, we’re born to disappear
How do I stop myself from being just a number?
How will I hold my head to keep from going under?

Down to the wire, I wanted water
But I walk through the fire
If this is what it takes to take me even higher
And  I’ll come through like I do
When the world keeps testing me, testing me, testing me

How did they find me here? What do they want from me?
All of these vultures hiding right outside my door
I hear them whispering, they’re trying to ride it out
They’ve never gone this long without a kill before

Down to the wire, I wanted water
But I walk through the fire
If this is what it takes to take me even higher
And  I’ll come through like I do
When the world keeps testing me, testing me, testing me

Wheel’s up, I got to leave this evening
I can’t seem to shake these vultures off of my trail
Power is made by power being taken
So I keep on running to protect my situation

Down to the wire, I wanted water
But I walk through the fire
If this is what it takes to take me even higher
And  I’ll come through like I do
When the world keeps testing me, testing me, testing me

What you gonna do about it?
What you gonna do about it?
What you gonna do about it?

Don’t give up, give up
Don’t give up, give up, give up
Don’t give up, give up
Don’t give up, give up, give up

Lyrics copyright John Mayer.
Photos courtesy of gawen947 , Illusory Reasoning, & Kal Barteski.