I lost my 7 1/2 year “day job” in July. It was a nowhere job that wasn’t even in my interests and I only worked it to have a steady paycheck and health insurance. I won’t go into details about how I lost my job, but let’s just say that I didn’t deserve it and I hope no one ever has to go through what I did. I immediately lost my health insurance and to this day I don’t have coverage. I keep my fingers crossed every single day that I won’t get seriously hurt. Why? Because…

I’ve had a lot of health problems and accidents over the past 8+ years, including but not limited to, a herniated disc in my lower back with a side of sciatica from a car accident (I got rear-ended… you can stop laughing now), a tumor the size of a golf ball on my thyroid that caused me to gain over 100 pounds, bouts of depression & agoraphobia, a broken ankle that forced me to learn how to walk again, double pneumonia TWICE, and numerous little ailments, some stemming from pre-existing injuries. I seriously need to be careful, eh?

One week after losing my job, someone decided to report this lil’ ol’ blog to my hosting company. What did I do wrong? I had music on my server. Copyrighted music. That I used a plugin to share that didn’t even allow people to download the tracks… only listen to them. I even provided links to download the music from iTunes or Amazon. How audacious of me! I must have been a terrible person for sharing music, right?! I mean, I can understand if it was the RIAA, but according to my hosting company, it wasn’t. It was a random fucking person, who I like to call ‘Captain RIAA’. Who takes it upon themselves to report someone when they have nothing to gain? An asshole, that’s who. I had to wipe all of the music from my server so I didn’t get my site shut down, causing all of my posts embedded with music to stop working unless they contained mashups, Creative Commons, or were embeddable mixtapes from 8tracks.com. If you were wondering why most of the music on my site wouldn’t stream, now you know. I still need to fix this. *le sigh*

For the first time in my life, I had to file for unemployment. It sucked. It took so long to get approved (almost 2 months!) while I had no income that I almost lost my apartment, my car, my pets… everything. I don’t have family that can help me and I’m pretty much on my own. If it wasn’t for a few of my friends helping me with bills, I don’t know where I would be right now. I love them and appreciate them more than they will ever know.

What was a girl to do? I decided to do freelance web design full-time. What a scary thing to do in this economy, but I have the skills and no one was hiring, so it was more like why not? Yes, it’s an everyday struggle to find clients and not get a hardcore case of cabin fever, but it’s worth it. I’m finally doing what I love, and losing my job was probably the best thing to happen to me in a long time. Why? Well…

I started a diet at the end of April. I turned 30 on April 9th (yes, I’m April born in April) and I had sat down and took stock of my life. I was not happy with myself at all. I didn’t love myself. Everyone should love themselves! I decided that I needed to get rid of the weight I packed on once and for all. No more gaining it back or letting anything get in my way. This time I would do it! And you know what? To date, I’ve lost almost 80 pounds! I got myself a snazzy new wardrobe and I’m feeling great. If you are wondering how I did it, I’m using Weight Watchers. I even have the app on my iPhone so I clock every single point in that thing and it has paid off. I’ve literally shed almost an entire person! Whodathunkit?! If I had stayed at my old job, I think my depression would have crept back and I would have gained back the weight I was starting to lose. See, I’m not the type of person who eats when they are stressed; it’s the opposite actually. However, eating once a day slows your metabolism and your body ends up gaining weight because it thinks you are starving. I actually eat more now than I did before and I’m still losing weight. Oh, yeah!

Since shedding my former job and a LOT of weight, I decided to do some more shedding: I asked for a divorce. I wasn’t happy being in a relationship to make someone else happy. It was that simple. People have asked me why I would do this since the man I was married to was, and still is, my best friend. I can only say that you would only understand if you were in my shoes. Marriage and relationships in general are quite complicated, and no single two are alike. I wasn’t cheated on, I wasn’t beaten, and I wasn’t treated like trash (unlike my first marriage). I was loved and I loved in return. Sometimes shit just doesn’t work out.

Where am I now? Still living in South Florida, but probably not for much longer. The cost of living is too high and I have other options now. Where will I go? I don’t know 100% yet, but even if I end up staying where I am, I know that I’ll be happy because, for the first time in my life, I’m happy with myself and I love myself. As long as I have that, it doesn’t matter where I am. It’s amazing how when you start loving yourself, you start finding happiness wherever you are, even if it is in a humid tourist trap like South Florida.

I haven’t had as much time lately to be social online like I used to be, but I’m gonna fix that ASAP. I miss everyone so much and while I have been a tad silent of late, I have been checking on everyone. Yes, I stalk Facebook and Twitter profiles. I’m sorry if I haven’t gotten back to everyone when I should have or if I’ve made anyone think I’ve been neglectful or didn’t care. I do care, dammit! I just wish there were more minutes in the day, or even more hours, know what I mean? I AM working on my time management skills and I swear to Grilled Cheezus (Gleek alert!) that I will put aside time for everyone. If it wasn’t for a lot of you, I would have lost what was left of my mind a long time ago. I feel so guilty and selfish working on myself (even though I shouldn’t) and I promise I’ll make it up to you and let you all know how much I love you.

Is that it? Nope! What is a blog post from without some music? I may not be able to share certain types of music anymore, but that won’t stop me from spreading some sort of love. I decided to include an awesome mashup from DJ Lobsterdust. It’s a mash of Far East Movement’s ‘Like A G6′ and MGMT’s ‘Kids’ titled ‘G6 Kids’. Lobsterdust describes it as “the biggest party anthem of 2010 mashed with the biggest indie anthem of 2009″. Whether you agree with his description or not, you’d have to agree this mashup is pretty damn badass. I’m also giving you the link to download it. Why? Because I can. Holla! Screw you, Captain RIAA!

DJ Lobsterdust – G6 Kids (Far East Movement vs. MGMT)

Download (Right-click and save)

Post Images courtesy of sarah azavezza. via Flickr

Every day we listen to so many things and we take a lot of them for granted. Imagine never being able to hear the voice of your children. Imagine never hearing someone telling you that they love you. Imagine never hearing the sound of rain, or the other beautiful sounds of nature. Now imagine never being able to listen to music. I shudder at the thought.

I couldn’t even begin to think of all the songs that I’ve heard through my 30 years on this earth. A lot of music has gotten me through a lot of hard times; Songs that made me jump up and dance, heal my broken heart, and songs that inspired me. If it wasn’t for my sense of hearing, I don’t know if I would even be the same person I am today.

Some of my favorite things to hear:

• My son’s voice. There is nothing more sweet than the sound of your child’s voice. Hearing him cry for the first time rates as the highest sound on my list, because it has stayed with me forever.
• The sounds my husband makes while sleeping. Just hearing him breathe next to me makes me feel so good.
• A quiet night, when the sounds of crickets amidst the silence calm the soul.
• My own voice. I don’t mean that I like to hear myself talk, but I would have a hard time coping with not knowing what my voice sounds like.
• Birds. I love the sound of birds in my backyard chirping away in the morning. It’s as though they are singing a song just for me. I love that feeling.
• Jazz. No explanation needed.
• The rain. Not when it’s storming or sprinkling, but the sounds of a soft and subtle constant stream of rain. Hearing the thunder before the rain is like an appetizer for the main course.
• My friends. I love talking to people and hearing their voices, their accents, the tone their voice takes when expressing different emotions. It’s just beautiful.
• Laughter. Laughter is contagious, and there is something to be said for our ability to feel happy simply by listening to the sounds of laughter. “Snorting laughter” especially!
• The emotion you hear in a talented musician’s voice when they are actually feeling the emotion of the lyrics they are singing. Emotion in a singer’s voice is the whipped cream on a song.

These are just a few things that I appreciate hearing every day. A life without sound, for having been born with it, would be heart-wrenching to lose. If I had been born without the ability to hear, I could never have experienced any of these things. Perhaps I wouldn’t miss something I never had, but I would always wonder what everything sounded like.

I wanted to discuss my love of hearing because the Hear the World initiative is having a contest to bring awareness to the sense of hearing and hearing loss prevention. The c0ntest is a photography one, having entrants submitting pictures of themselves cupping their own ear. Many celebrites have already been photographed by musician Bryan Adams, each with their hand cupping one of their ears. Some of the celebrities who have participated in the Hear the World initiative are Amy Winehouse, Sting, Billy Idol, Peter Gabriel, Annie Lennox, and Harry Belafonte. You can see the whole list here.

Some information about entering the contest:

To further spread the message of hearing awareness and to give all Hear the World fans across the country a chance to show their support and commitment to the cause, Hear the World is launching the ‘Show Us Your Hearing’ photography competition, giving you the chance to win a new Polaroid 300 and to be featured in the award-winning Hear the World magazine!

To enter the contest, simply submit a photo of you, or a friend and family member, in the famed ‘Conscious Pose of Hearing.’ All entries will be posted to the Hear The World gallery for public voting, and the final winner and runner up will be selected by a panel of judges from the Hear the World initiative from the top five images that received the most votes. Voting begins on July 13th, 2010.

If you are interested in participating, you can click here to enter the contest. In the meantime, why don’t you share what your favorite sounds are in the comments and what hearing means to you? For me, it’s the whole world.

Also, for your “hearing” pleasure, here is one of my favorite songs from Ludwig van Beethoven. I chose a song from Beethoven because he loved music so much, he continued to compose even after he lost his own sense of hearing. The haunting Piano Sonata No. 14 in C♯ minor “Quasi una fantasia”, better known as Moonlight Sonata, was composed not long before he became completely deaf.

Image courtesy of Reavel via Flickr

I got my first iPhone, a 16 GB 3G, over a year ago out of necessity. Since I am an AT&T customer, my only options at the time were between a BlackBerry or an iPhone. Since most people I knew had an iPhone, I decided to get one. I was not disappointed at all. It was a huge upgrade from the Samsung BlackJack II I had been using at the time. Even though the phone I purchased was refurbished, I didn’t have any problems with it and over a year later the battery is still going strong.

With the launch of the new iPhone 4, upgrading from a 3G iPhone was a big upgrade for me. I wanted a better camera, some sort of multi-tasking, and a faster phone since I am a heavy user. I also invested money into the apps I owned so getting another iPhone was the best solution for me. I just happened to be one of the lucky few that were able to order their phone the first day through AT&T’s website. I had never ordered anything at launch before and I wasn’t expecting the mass chaos over the iPhone 4 because there are so many other phones out there now, especially with the open source Android OS. I don’t think anyone expected that millions of people would crash 2 websites at launch over a phone, but it happened and here we are.

I received my iPhone 4 via Fedex on June 23rd from AT&T. My excitement over the new phone had been raised by the fact that I was lucky to have been able to get one at all. Then I activated it. I had no signal when I touched my phone. My first thought was that it was an AT&T issue. After realizing that the signal dropped every time I picked it up, I realized something was amiss and did a quick Google search and found that people were reporting the same problems. This was not good.

Being a cross-dominant person, I favor my right hand for certain tasks and my left for others. Unfortunately for me, I favor my left hand when using the phone, which makes the reception problem worse because of where I place my fingers on the phone. I can’t just hold it differently or I would drop my phone and probably break it. I didn’t have a case yet so I slipped my old iPhone case on and guess what? Problem solved! No reception problems whatsoever regardless of where I was or how I handled the phone. In fact, I found that the phone loaded data faster even when I had a low signal, whereas my old phone wouldn’t load anything at all on the same strength.

I understand that holding the phone on the metal sides will block the antenna, but if Apple knew this, then they should have given me a free “bumper” with the phone. Instead, I was told that I was holding it wrong and to buy a bumper. Gee, thanks Apple. If that is the type of customer support you get when you own a Mac, I’ll be buying another PC when I get my next computer instead of the Mac Book Pro I wanted. Also, if you are reading this Mr. Jobs, please explain to me how a software update is going to fix a hardware issue aka design flaw.

Another problem I have with the iPhone 4 is the proximity sensor. When I am on a call, the screen should go black and not let my ear or face interfere and select something on the screen. Instead, I’m finding myself turning on the keypad and dialing numbers, muting calls, turning on the speaker, etc. While this problem could be fixed with a software update, it’s rather annoying to use my phone unless I am using the speakerphone, which I prefer not to unless I need my hands free to do something while I am talking. In regards to this problem, I’m surprised Apple hasn’t told me to buy a headset yet.

The next problem I’ve encountered is that the screen goes completely black on a call and won’t turn back on, like the proximity sensor has been disabled completely and I have to turn my phone off and back on to correct it. Hopefully this is part of the problem above and will be fixed with a software update.

I did have an issue with the touchscreen on the phone, out of nowhere, stop working completely. I couldn’t even unlock the phone and had to restart the phone by pressing two buttons. Out of all the problems, this one scared me the most because a bumper can fix my reception issue and a software update can fix the proximity sensor, but if something happens and the screen won’t work at all, I can’t access anything. What if there was an emergency? I wouldn’t have time to restart my phone and hope it worked again. At the end of the day, it’s a phone and if I can’t dial 911 if I need to, then it’s useless. I hope this is an anomaly or Apple can release an update that addresses this issue.

On the plus side, I haven’t experienced the volume buttons reversed or yellow discoloration on the screen. I would return my phone in an instant if I had those problems. Those are obvious flaws that can only be fixed by getting a new phone. I feel bad for people experiencing these problems on top of the main ones that everyone except Steve Jobs is having. Then again, Steve Jobs did have a problem with reception during his presentation, huh? Blaming the audience using WiFi is the equivalent of blaming AT&T for the dropped calls. Yes, AT&T is overloaded in certain areas, but holding the phone in a way that blocks the antenna is, again, a hardware issue.

All in all, I’m satisfied with my iPhone 4, but I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone until these problems are fixed. I’ve found it shameful how Apple has treated it’s customers and if the iPhone does actually become available through Verizon, more people will see how often Apple likes AT&T to take the fall for reception problems. There will be no more “Blame AT&T! Switch to Verizon!” going on. The truth will show that the iPhone has more problems than Apple is willing to admit to. Even other smart phones have reception problems, but the way the other companies have handled it is completely different than the approach that Apple is taking.

I’ll keep my iPhone 4 for now because I don’t really have a choice financially at this point, but next time I’m in the market for a new phone, I’ll be shopping for a phone that runs on Android and eat my paid app losses. Yes, I’ll miss having a product that I once loved, but Apple’s complete disregard for their customers has left a sour taste in my mouth that will be lingering for a long time.

Lately, I’ve begun to see a trend. Maybe it’s because I’m enjoying my time seeing the world through rose colored glasses, but being around negative vibes is unavoidable when I allow myself to be subjected to it. No more. I’m hanging up on the people who spend all their time complaining about how terrible their life is and do nothing about it. I’m hanging up on the people who would love nothing but a bullshit flame war because they have so much anger inside that they taunt you into replying to their negative comments to get some sort of reaction. I’m over it, over it… so fucking over it.

There are several people I’ve decided to hang up on, but there is one in particular who inspired this post. I’m not going to name any names, but almost every time I’ve come in contact with this person, this “Suspect Negative“, all they do is complain. They complain about how their life is so terrible. They complain about their living situation. They complain about not having a job. They complain about their family. They complain about how no one understands. They complain about almost everything and it’s in endless rants via Twitter, so not only was I getting to hear about their problems, it was only at 140 characters at a time and the rants would continue, over and over, for hours at times, about the same things every night.

I watched as people would try to give Suspect Negative advice or lift their spirits up. Some even offered to talk in private about it since they went through the same things and wanted to help, but this particular person would rather wallow in their own misery than to take an offer to talk to someone. Instead, the people who were offering help in various forms and just overall trying to help change Suspect Negative’s perspective, they were being yelled at for it, as if it was their fault, and consequently were hanging up on Suspect Negative themselves. I mean, the audacity of someone being so rude to the people who are trying to help while this person claims that they have no friends is absolutely awful. Suspect Negative?! Negative confirmed.

However, before I completely hung up on Suspect Negative, I went through their blog to see if there was anything there that I didn’t know about. I was trying to see the glass as half full and not give up on this person. What I found was even worse than what I already knew, what I already heard. Not only was the blog a continuous rant of what I’d already seen, some of the posts were there merely as excuses for their behavior and in one, there were some really nasty things said that I would never condone. It was the final nail in the coffin. Right then and there, I hung up on Suspect Negative and I’m not looking back. Suspect Negative has never took responsibility for their own actions and makes excuses for their behavior. This is someone who is not a friend to themselves, so how could they even begin to be a friend to me or anyone else? Love starts within, and without that, you have nothing.

Since eliminating Suspect Negative, I’m already feeling better. I didn’t realize how much this person’s negativity was bringing me down and how much it was clogging my timeline. There is nothing like feeling like you are having a bad day and in going online to bring your spirits up, you find something positive or humorous. Sure, everyone has their moments when they just want to kvetch about something and I do it myself, but the same thing on a loop – a literal Twitter broken record – is just too much. I’d rather surround myself with people who have mostly positive energy and make you smile than someone who makes you feel like them: sad, depressed, and just altogether down. Ah, the beauty of the unfollow button. Isn’t it grand?

One a side note, I recently met Melena. While discussing positivity through a mutual friend, we were introduced and I read a blog post about her challenge. Melena is trying to have a “Positive Tweets Week”, where for one week, everyone participating tries their hardest to not be negative. That’s it. It doesn’t mean that you have to talk about rainbows and unicorns and shit, but just try to avoid being overly negative. Some people are actively participating and while it may not be much, it’s better than doing nothing at all and I’m sure that some of the people involved have been challenged this week by thinking more about what they are about to say and how it affects the people who will read it before they hit send. I’m hoping this experiment will continue on in spirit once the week is out and we can all see how our actions ripple across the pond, good or bad.

Only we can choose to have positive energy in our lives, and if you are willing to let it in, it can have a profound effect. The sun may shine a little brighter, the day may be a little warmer, and your creativity may bloom. You can be skeptical all you want, but how will you know unless you try?

I’m willing to loan out my pair of rose colored glasses. They are pretty kickass.

Image courtesy of emily ✭ brigid via flickr

I AM ME

For once I can say that I know who I am as a person. I am okay with my faults because they are a part of me. What you see is what you get. I wear my heart on my sleeve and make no apologies for it. I like writing AND designing, and I don’t feel the need to only do one or the other. I CAN have my cake and eat it, too. It took me a long time to get to this place. My whole life, I’ve always doubted myself. I’m my own worst critic and rather than appreciating what I do, I would compare myself with the people I was surrounded by, the people I looked up to.

An example was most recently within the design community. Being self-taught, I saw other “designers” and felt like I was inferior. Only over time did I realize that just because I am self-taught doesn’t mean that I’m any less of a designer than people who went to art school, and I’m no less a designer because I haven’t mastered Illustrator… yet.  Creating a website with HTML or a WordPress site with CSS & PHP is still design; it’s just another path to express your creativity. I also know some designers that don’t know basic HTML, which is a real pity. A basic link? C’mon people!

By putting my worries aside and realizing that I am not that inferior girl wondering what everyone thinks, I now do not care what people think. I mean, I like it when people say they like what I do, but I don’t care about the people who don’t. It’s about what I like and I’ve applied this to every aspect of my life. I’m tired of giving a shit about other people’s opinions and frankly, at the end of the day, mine is all that matters.

My view of life so far can be summed up in the words of Marilyn Monroe:

I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things call fall together.

THIRTY GOING ON TWENTY

So here I am, a thirty year old who finally knows who she is, but I’m thirty! I used to think that your thirties was when you got married, had babies, and lived in a house with a white picket fence. The good ol’ American dream, right? That may be a nice idea for some, but I’m on my second marriage and have a son who is a teenager. That sounds more like your forties, right? Not for me. I may have started my life experiences a little sooner than most, but some things will end earlier than most.

I don’t plan to have any more children, so my thirties won’t be spent chasing around a screaming baby. I love kids, but I want to focus on me and enjoy my life. It may sound selfish, but it’s the truth.

I certainly don’t aspire to be rich. Money is great, but I’m content when my bills are paid and I have food in my mouth. Stressing about money all the time was unhealthy for me and if I do make more money, it’s more I get to spend on myself and take a well-deserved vacation. I’d like to own my own home, but I’m content having a roof over my head. I’d rather spend money on life experiences and live in an apartment.

So what does all this lead to? Since I won’t have any kids and I’m not worried about a mortgage, my thirties are going to be spent like my twenties were, but better. I get a reboot, but with all the knowledge and experience I didn’t have before. Sounds awesome, right?! I think so. Sure, there will be days that I feel my age or older, and even some where I feel really young, but thirty is just thirty. Thirty is a state of mind, and while my birth certificate says how many years I’ve spent on this planet, my state of mind will be right where I want it to be: living in the moment and loving who I am, because everything will be just fine.

Just Fine by Mary J. Blige

Top Image courtesy of Donna Grayson via Flickr
Bottom Image courtesy of PJ Taylor via Flickr

I met my friend Carol in 1999, when I was dating a mutual friend. She was spunky, outgoing, and had a great sense of humor. Over the years we spent time together as friends and had a lot of fond memories, but not all of them were great. Carol liked to live on the edge, and this included drugs. When Carol was high, she was driving a fast car to nowhere.

Sure, there were times where Carol was sober and getting her life together, but this usually was followed by a relapse. Family and friends tried to support her, but sometimes we were pushed away because the drugs were more important and Carol didn’t want to hear what she already knew: One day the drugs would kill her. Some people wrote Carol off as a lost cause, some people enabled her, and some just pretended the problem didn’t exist. On February 25, 2010, Carol died of a drug overdose. Carol was only 32 years old.

I’ve spent the last week going through a whole range of emotions. I’ve felt the deepest sorrow one never wants to know to, angry that Carol didn’t love herself as much as the people around her did, and guilt for being angry with her. For me, a drug overdose is like an unintentional suicide. The people left behind are left asking how this could happen, even if in the back of our minds we all worried that it was a possibility. It’s a tangled mess of emotions and nothing anyone can say can make you feel better. Only time can heal the wounds one’s heart has, but I just wish they weren’t so deep.

Since Carol is gone forever, I can only hope that wherever she is, she is at peace with herself and now knows just how many people truly loved her. If there is anything I could say to her, I would tell her that my love for her was always unconditional and will always be.

Rest in peace, girl. I’ll see you in the next lifetime.

Little Bird by EELS

Little bird
Hoppin’ on my porch
I know it sounds kinda sad
But what’s it all for?
Right now you’re the only friend I have in the world
And I just can’t take out very much
Goddamn
I miss that girl

Little bird
You look all right
I’m sure it’s not easy
Gettin’ through your night
So tell me this can’t be how it’s gonna end
Tell me my heart
Somehow
Dear God
Is gonna mend

Little bird
I guess you’re right
Can’t let her take me out
Without a fight
But right now I can’t see making sense of this world
I just can’t take out very much
Goddamn
I miss that girl
Image courtesy of Appelsin-piken

Ever have one of those days where everything seems to be going wrong? I’ve been going through a bit of that this week. I suffer from TMJ pain and I somehow strained a muscle by my jaw, causing the right side of my face to swell. I could barely move my jaw at all, and I was getting nerve pain sent up the side of my face to my head.

After a visit to the hospital to find out what was going on, in case my jaw locked open or shut, I was given anti-inflammatory medicine as well as painkillers with orders to rest until I could eat solid food again and talk without being in pain. I’ll be posting as soon as I’m feeling better. Until then, rock on!

Image Source: Tumblr

Wishing a Happy New Year from me to you. May 2010 bring you all the happiness you deserve. The past is behind us and the possibilities of the future are endless.

The best thing about New Year’s is that we all get to start over. Make the most of it. Besides, 2009 was so last year.

Auld Lang Syne by Mairi Campbell and Dave Francis (my favorite version)

Lyrics for Auld Lang Syne (Scots pronunciation)

Shid ald akwentans bee firgot,
an nivir brocht ti mynd?
Shid ald akwentans bee firgot,
an days o ald lang syn?

Fir ald lang syn, ma jo,
fir ald lang syn,
wil tak a cup o kyndnes yet,
fir ald lang syn.

An sheerly yil bee yur pynt-staup!
an sheerly al bee myn!
An will tak a cup o kyndnes yet,
fir ald lang syn.

Fir ald lang syn, ma jo,
fir ald lang syn,
wil tak a cup o kyndnes yet,
fir ald lang syn.

We twa hay rin aboot the braes,
an pood the gowans fyn;
Bit weev wandert monae a weery fet,
sin ald lang syn.

Fir ald lang syn, ma jo,
fir ald lang syn,
wil tak a cup o kyndnes yet,
fir ald lang syn.

We twa hay pedilt in the burn,
fray mornin sun til dyn;
But seas between us bred hay roard
sin ald lang syn.

Fir ald lang syn, ma jo,
fir ald lang syn,
wil tak a cup o kyndnes yet,
fir ald lang syn.

An thers a han, my trustee feer!
an gees a han o thyn!
And we’ll tak a richt gude-willie-waucht,
fir ald lang syn.

Fir ald lang syn, ma jo,
fir ald lang syn,
wil tak a cup o kyndnes yet,
fir ald lang syn.

See, it’s not that I’m afraid of expressing myself, since anyone who knows me knows that I frequently speak my mind. Over the past few years, more often than not, I’ve kept my raw emotions about my own life to myself and only shared them with a few people that I trust. Because of this, I feel like I’ve deprived myself of things in my life because I was afraid of letting go. Why? Well, mostly because my harshest critic is myself. I don’t like people to see me weak.

In the beginning, the fear of my weaknesses exposed was a result of an abusive childhood and an abusive marriage. I learned at a young age that there are not many people you can trust and this belief has only been reinforced as I’ve grown older. Situations and friends have changed, but I’ve been taken advantage of time and time again because deep down inside, I want to trust people. I want to see the good in everyone that I believe is there. I don’t know… call me an optimist. Lately my fear of being seen as weak is because those closest to me have hurt me the most by violating my trust. Lying to me is one of the worst things you can do to hurt me.

People who think trust and kindness is a sign of weakness are vultures. These vultures prey on people and take advantage of them until they are no longer needed. When they are finished using you, the vultures toss you out in the trash like leftovers you wouldn’t even feed a starving dog. Vultures should be the bottom feeders in our society, yet somehow they thrive and flourish without empathy for anyone else but themselves. I think this is completely imbalanced and it’s something that we need to correct. How can we let people get away with this? Is there not any justice without coming across as an asshole for wanting it? I’d like to think that karma is going to take out the real trash, but it’s hard to not dwell on something when you’ve been hurt.  This is what I keep bottled up inside. Recently, I had an eruption.

The reason I haven’t been as social lately is because I was involved in a huge design project that a friend, who I worked with before, included me in. When he asked me if I wanted in, I was not only honored that he thought of me, but I was happy and excited that the money from this project was going to change my life in so many positive ways. I thought that this is what I’ve been waiting for.

See, I work a full-time job overnights that I know is a dead end for the simple fact that I need money to pay my bills. I also need the health insurance that comes with it, even though an entire day’s work goes toward paying for it. Although my husband and I both work full-time jobs, the cost of living here is so high that I can’t cover my regular bills. I depend on my husband to work a second job just to help bring in more income so we have food to eat and a little extra money. Any freelance work I get is always a blessing. Even if it’s not much, every little bit counts. I haven’t been on a vacation in 7 years. I can’t even afford to move away. I feel like I’m drowning and every so often I’m pulled up long enough to get a gasp of air before my head is forced back under. I’m tired of holding my breath, but I digress.

This friend of mine offered me this job in August. He is friends with and works for a guy who owns a large design mall. The owner wanted not only his own site designed, but a site for every single store in his mall, which was over 60 units. My friend was told to go ahead and hire someone to do this work and help build up promotion for it. The owner wanted my friend to handle everything and I was told that the owner was ready to do this now. My friend asked me to not take any other work since every week I was being told we were starting the next week. When the next week would come, I was given some bullshit excuse as to why it was going to wait another week. I turned down jobs that were offered to me thinking that I wouldn’t have the time to commit to them because I trusted my friend. I thought surely he wouldn’t hurt me. I was once again looking for the good in someone and having faith that it would be there.

In the meantime, I had been discussing with my friend what course of action we were going to take. We talked about strategies and I came up with a lot of ideas that would save the owner a lot of money and at the same time make him a lot of money. When my friend came to me and said that the owner wasn’t going to be able to afford my quote for whatever reason, I lowered it not as just a favor for my friend, but because at this point I needed that money since my husband was no longer working a second job and because I turned down other projects for this. I also figured that if I couldn’t use the money to move, I could at least use it to take a much needed and well-deserved vacation. I think you can see where this is going.

My friend told me I was finally going to get my deposit. The owner was printing the check that night and was going to be mailing it certified the next morning. I was ecstatic to say the least, since my financial situation had taken a turn for the worse and all the money would now be going to bills. Then the shit really started to hit the fan.

My friend told me that I would be receiving more money than my quote because he told the owner that it was going to cost more thinking that the owner was going to give him the money to distribute to me and he would take a cut (which also means he edited my outline and contract without my knowledge). Now, I wouldn’t have minded a friend taking a small finder’s fee for helping me out and giving me this work, but his finder’s fee was more than a THIRD of what my quote was! Not only that, he asked me if I could give him the difference since it would be in my hands. You know, because he was a friend. The next morning I called my friend to make sure the check was in the mail and to get my tracking number for it. He finally returned my call a day later telling me that the owner printed my check but now needs to hold off. The reason this time? Well, according to my friend, the owner apparently bought 2 new cars and realized that he spent beyond his means, which really shouldn’t make a difference since his personal finances were separate from his business ones and I would be helping him make more money. He told me I was going to have to wait a month. On this, I call bullshit.

After doing everything I had done trusting a friend, I got screwed over BIG TIME. Not only did my friend add a huge amount to my quote for himself while asking me to lower mine knowing my situation, I don’t believe the owner needed to hold off. I think it is just another excuse from my friend, but this time it would be the last since he has suddenly disappeared and has not gotten back to me, whether it be by text, email, phone, Facebook, etc. You name it, he can reach me. I believe that he is the one deciding to not go through with this with me because he is worried he wouldn’t get his “share”, and at this point, I couldn’t care less. Is my friendship really worth that little? Obviously to him. You know why? Because he is a vulture. He knew my weaknesses and he exploited them for himself and when he thought he would be the one getting screwed, he cut and ran. Typical vulture.

So why am I putting all of this out there? Because even though I got hurt, I realized that I really don’t care if anyone knows. In fact, why should I act like everything is okay when it’s not? I’m sitting here showing the world my weaknesses and not caring that I’m exposed. I don’t want to say that I made the mistake of trusting a friend because you should trust your friends. The day I stop trusting everyone is the day I’ve lost my faith in humanity. I don’t want to be a cynic. I would rather be hurt again than become someone who doesn’t care about anyone else but themselves. I’m also letting go of holding in my feelings. If I expressed my frustration more at the beginning, I would have saved myself a lot of headaches and I wouldn’t be in this position. I was played for a fool, and I am partly to blame, but not as much as my so-called friend.

This situation also made me re-evaluate what I really want to do. I’m a writer at heart, music is my passion, and web design was something that fell in my lap. I decided that I am going to do everything I love and I shouldn’t be scared away from something I enjoy doing because someone screwed me over.

I know I’ll get through this, no matter what happens. I’m keeping my faith in karma and hoping that something good will come my way. I believe what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and if anything, this has made me stronger by me realizing that I can’t hold everything in and I can still trust people because if there is at least one person out there that reads this and can relate, then there is still hope. Hope is a good thing, and I’m going to hold on to that hope and keep my head held high.

I’m leaving you with a song below called Vultures by John Mayer. The lyrics are included below. What would a post from me be without some music? Plus the song is fitting for how I feel. And one final thing: Fuck the vultures.

Vultures by John Mayer

Lyrics

Some of us, we’re hardly ever here
The rest of us, we’re born to disappear
How do I stop myself from being just a number?
How will I hold my head to keep from going under?

Down to the wire, I wanted water
But I walk through the fire
If this is what it takes to take me even higher
And  I’ll come through like I do
When the world keeps testing me, testing me, testing me

How did they find me here? What do they want from me?
All of these vultures hiding right outside my door
I hear them whispering, they’re trying to ride it out
They’ve never gone this long without a kill before

Down to the wire, I wanted water
But I walk through the fire
If this is what it takes to take me even higher
And  I’ll come through like I do
When the world keeps testing me, testing me, testing me

Wheel’s up, I got to leave this evening
I can’t seem to shake these vultures off of my trail
Power is made by power being taken
So I keep on running to protect my situation

Down to the wire, I wanted water
But I walk through the fire
If this is what it takes to take me even higher
And  I’ll come through like I do
When the world keeps testing me, testing me, testing me

What you gonna do about it?
What you gonna do about it?
What you gonna do about it?

Don’t give up, give up
Don’t give up, give up, give up
Don’t give up, give up
Don’t give up, give up, give up

Lyrics copyright John Mayer.
Photos courtesy of gawen947 , Illusory Reasoning, & Kal Barteski.

]]> http://dorkmuffin.com/2009/10/down-to-the-wire/feed/ 4 http://dorkmuffin.com/2009/09/my-love-affair-with-music/ http://dorkmuffin.com/2009/09/my-love-affair-with-music/#comments Thu, 10 Sep 2009 18:36:57 +0000 April http://dorkmuffin.com/?p=1238 My name is April and I’m an addict. My drug of choice is music. Just saying the word music makes my stomach feel all tingly like I have butterflies in there. From the time I wake up in the morning, to the time I go to sleep, I live for music. I can always be found listening to something new I found or a classic that is timeless. It all sounds the same to me and I just can’t help swayin’ to the groove.

I think my love affair with music started when I was a young child. I was born in 1980, back when MTV was still a fledgling network and didn’t have us begging for our MTV quite yet. 1980 was a sad year for music lovers everywhere, as John Lennon was assassinated in December of that year. I don’t remember that, but when I think about how much he brought to the world with his music and words of peace and love that I can only imagine the pain of losing someone so special. I only have John’s music to listen to but it fills me with a sense of him, as if listening to his music keeps him alive and makes me feel a personal connection with him. I’d like to think that anyways.

My earliest memory is when I was about 3 or 4 years old. I was living in Texas at the time and I remember watching Cyndi Lauper‘s Girl’s Just Wanna Have Fun music video on MTV and dancing in front of the television. Sure, it’s a delicious 80′s pop tune/girl anthem, but it is my first memory and I relish in it. To this day, I still love that song.

My parents moved a lot because of my father’s job, so when I lived in Honduras in the mid 1980′s, I heard a lot of oldies because it was either that or the Spanish stations and my parents preferred what they knew. I personally love Spanish music, but listening to those oldies back then gave me a huge appreciation for classic songs and how a short simple song can have so much meaning and stand the test of time. While most people were listening to 80′s music, I was relishing in 50′s & 60′s music.

When I moved back to the United States in 1989, I began listening to the local radio stations and I was hooked on the Top 40 because it featured all sorts of genres that I wasn’t exposed to yet. My home life was never great to say the least and at times was abusive, and music was my escape. I listened to my little radio day and night. I would get lost in the music and in books, and I don’t know how I would have made it through certain times of my life if I didn’t have music in my life.

I’ve always wanted to be a singer so I have always been involved in chorus and piano lessons growing up. When I was choosing what high school to go to, I went against my parents wishes and auditioned at Dillard School for the Performing Arts. I was 14 years old and scared out of my wits but I was determined to follow my dreams. I chose Janet Jackson‘s Again as my audition song. I had to wait a month for the letter to arrive in the mail letting me know if I was approved or not. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I had been staking out the mailbox waiting everyday for this letter like my life depended on it, and in a way it did. When I saw the mailman leave, I ran to the mailbox and went through all the junk until I found my letter. It was such a simple thing; white and thin, not much inside. I tore it open like a wild animal and read the first line:

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted….

That was all I needed to read. I think it was one of the happiest moments of my life. I remember running down the street barefoot on the hot South Florida pavement to tell my mom that I had been accepted since she was visiting a neighbor. When I told her, I remember her response: “That’s nice.” Gee, thanks for supporting me, mom.

While I attended the performing arts school, I had a chance to sing backup for James Ingram, Roberta Flack, Peabo Bryson, and Sheena Easton. They were looking for local backup talent for a concert that they were holding here in South Florida. I was chosen even though I was still a freshman and only 14 years old. It was such a great experience and one I will cherish forever. My parents didn’t bother attending. At the time it hurt, but now I can look back on it and not care. I was breaking free of them and while a child always wants that parental approval, I didn’t need it. I was happy with or without their support. Music would get me through just like it always had.

See, my parents had always told me that writers and singers were nothing but starving artists and I would never have money if I pursued those fields. What my parents didn’t understand was that I didn’t care about how much money I would make. All I ever wanted in my life was to be happy and music and writing made me happy. Today I am a starving music-loving writer, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Since high school, I’ve been through a lot in my personal life and I may not have a career as a musician, I still write… especially about music. I also write song lyrics and hope to one day be known for my lyrics as a songwriter like my idol Carole King. I know it’s a long shot, but I know dreams come true. I’m living a dream right now writing to you about music. Life is great and no matter what happens, I’ll have music. It’s not just the universal language of the world, but it’s also my first love, my mother & father, my best friend, and no matter what happens, music is always there for me and I will be there for music.

I wanted to add this video because not only is it a classic, but whenever I watch it, I remember that innocent little girl dancing in front of her television and not only wanting, but getting her MTV.

So enjoy Cyndi Lauper’s Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. It’s 80′s, it’s cheesy, and it’s just plain ol’ delicious.

If you’d like to find out what I’m currently listening to, you can always find me at Last.fm, Blip.fm, making mixtapes on 8tracks, and you can always follow me on Twitter.

Image courtesy of Yummy Cream