A short and funny joke for you all. This one made me laugh my ass off!
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
She said, “You have the biggest penis of all your friends.”
These are either just jokes or real comments on report cards left by New York City public school teachers. Either way, they are full of shits & giggles!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
My favorite was #8!
Here’s a great list of classes all you guys out there should take. Props to @Theo!
Classes for Men at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED ASAP!
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays–Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
The Toilet Paper Roll–Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?–Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor–Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks
Dinner Dishes–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
This is a pretty funny joke, courtesy of my bud Theo.
A SHORT LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.’”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed.
“Good.”, she replied. “Get your own fucking blanket.”
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Funny joke sent to me by a friend! Thanks Theo!
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, ‘Dark in here.’
The man says, ‘Yes, it is.’
Boy: ‘I have a baseball.’
Man: ‘That’s nice’
Boy: ‘Want to buy it?’
This joke is too funny! I can relate to #3!
To the first he asked, “What was your biggest sin on earth?” and the man replied, “Oh, man! I just love alcohol and being drunk, man.” The devil showed the man to a room full of alcohol of every type and description and he put the man inside and said, “See you in 100 years!” and locked the door.
To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied “Oh, man. I just love to have sex with the ladies, I was really unfaithful to my wife, man”. So the devil took the man and showed him to a room full of hundreds upon thousands of gorgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said, “See you in 100 years!” and locked the door.
The third man’s answer to the question was “Oh, man. I just LOVE weed! I’m high all the time, man, and I can’t live without it!”. The devil showed the man to a room packed with the most amazing grade-A bud you’ve ever seen, stacked to the roof! The man went inside and the devil locked the door after saying, “See you in 100 years!”.
If you have ever worked in an office, you will get these “cubonics”!
404 – Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, “404 Not Found,” which means the document requested couldn’t be located. “Don’t bother asking John. He’s 404.”
Adminisphere – The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant.
Alpha Geek – The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. “I dunno, ask Rick. He’s our alpha geek.”
Assmosis – The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Batmobiling – putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in “she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling”
Beepilepsy – The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
Betamaxed – when a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in “Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market”
Blamestorming – A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Blowing Your Buffer – Losing one’s train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. “Damn, I just blew my buffer!” (Synonym: “Head Crash”)
Body Nazis – Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.
Bookmark – To take note of a person for future reference. “After seeing his cool demo at Siggraph, I bookmarked him.”
Brain Fart – A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; a burst of useful information. “I know you’re busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?” Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.
CGI Joe – A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Chainsaw Consultant – An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Chip Jewelry - Old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decoration. “I paid three grand for that Mac and now it’s nothing but chip jewelry.”
Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. “First we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.”
CLM (Career Limiting Move) – Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. “Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.”
Cobweb – a WWW site that never changes
Crapplet – A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. “I just wasted 30 minutes downloading that crapplet!”
Cube Farm – An office filled with cubicles.
Dead Tree Edition – The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms.
Dilberted – To be exploited and oppressed by your boss, as is Dilbert, the comic strip character. “Damn, I’ve been dilberted again! The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”
Dorito Syndrome – The feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. “I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.”
Egosurfing – Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one’s own name.
Elvis Year - the peak year of popularity as in “1993 was Barney the dinosaur’s Elvis year”
Generica – fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in “we were so lost in generica that I couldn’t remember what city it was”
Glazing – Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open; a popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. “Didn’t he notice that by the second session half the room was glazing?”
Going Postal – totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages
Gray Matter – Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms trying to appear more professional and established.
This picture was shared by a friend of mine. I’m not sure of the source.
Three o’clock is the worst hour of the workday. Think about it:
9: Coming into the office, I’m jazzed. I log in, check my email, read the news, check a bunch of blogs where people who aren’t as smart as I think I am rant on and on about how Bush stole Ohio and Social Security is going to cause everyone to die at fifty and think that anyone actually cares about Dean v. Rosenberg.
10: Coffee! Go out, walk down the street, get a cup, and by the time I get back, it’s almost 11, which means…
11: Plan for lunch! Get out the menus I’ve got in my desk and fantasize about the food I can have at the many reasonably priced, easily-walkable lunch establishments in downtown San Francisco! After a bit of that, I’m ready for
12: Lunch “hour.” An “hour” gives you fifteen minutes of leeway on either side. The Lunch Choice Of The Day will probably involve Moo Goo Gai Pan or a 2/3 LB Monster Bacon Butter Cheese Human Lard Plus Thickburger, Topped With Whipped Cream and Deep Fried or (if I’m really unlucky), Subway sandwiches that suck so much even that alien cyborg Jared Fogle couldn’t eat them and lost weight. I go to Subway; it’s close.
1: Still at lunch “hour.” Done with eating, spending time at the table at Subway watching all of the really hot advertising chicks who would only talk to me if I threatened their mothers with a garrotte, and only then if they’d get a new handbag out of the deal.
1:20: Back to the office, time to check on the news in case anything happened in the late morning (Hey, Rudy T is quitting the Lakers!). Then it’s food coma. Sit at my desk clicking the mouse every few seconds to shift between programs, trying to make the windows somehow make a pattern as interesting as the screen saver I used to get stoned to back in college when I were supposed to be doing term papers. All that education is getting a workout now!
2: Still food coma. It’s about now that I should probably get some actual “work” done. Nothing like some cover sheet composition and printer paper jams to pass the time.
2:30: Ah, a post-lunch dump with a couple of printouts from ESPN.com. Bliss.
2:45 Oh no.
2:50 Christ, no.
2:55: It’s almost here, shit. Finally, I get off the toilet just in time for… Read more