A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

She said, “You have the biggest penis of all your friends.”

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

My favorite was #8!

Classes for Men at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED ASAP!

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays–Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll–Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?–Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor–Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks

Class 5
Dinner Dishes–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity–Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things–Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours

Class 8
Health Watch–Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost–Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations..
4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours

Class 11
Learning to Live–Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy–Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours

Class 14
The Stove/Oven–What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Hope you all enjoyed this!

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.’”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed.

“Good.”, she replied. “Get your own fucking blanket.”

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, ‘Dark in here.’

The man says, ‘Yes, it is.’

Boy: ‘I have a baseball.’

Man: ‘That’s nice’

Boy: ‘Want to buy it?’

Man: ‘No, thanks.’

Boy: ‘My Dad’s outside.’

Man: ‘OK, how much?’

Boy: ‘$250′

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: ‘Dark in here.’

Man: ‘Yes, it is.’

Boy: ‘I have a baseball glove.’

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, ‘How much?’

Boy: ‘$750′

Man: ‘Sold.’

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, ‘Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.’

The boy says, ‘I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.’

The Dad asks, ‘How much did you sell them for?’

Boy: ‘$1,000′

The Dad says, ‘That’s terrible to over charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to church, to confession.’

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, ‘Dark in here.’

The priest says, ‘Don’t start that shit again; you’re in my closet now.’

There were 3 men and they all died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question.

To the first he asked, “What was your biggest sin on earth?” and the man replied, “Oh, man! I just love alcohol and being drunk, man.” The devil showed the man to a room full of alcohol of every type and description and he put the man inside and said, “See you in 100 years!” and locked the door.

To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied “Oh, man. I just love to have sex with the ladies, I was really unfaithful to my wife, man”. So the devil took the man and showed him to a room full of hundreds upon thousands of gorgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said, “See you in 100 years!” and locked the door.

The third man’s answer to the question was “Oh, man. I just LOVE weed! I’m high all the time, man, and I can’t live without it!”. The devil showed the man to a room packed with the most amazing grade-A bud you’ve ever seen, stacked to the roof! The man went inside and the devil locked the door after saying, “See you in 100 years!”.

100 years later the devil came by to let the three men out. He opened the door to the first man’s room and found the man collapsed on the ground, passed out with empty bottles laying around him and puke all over him. He was a mess.

The devil opened the second man’s door and the man came running out of the room and cried, “I’M GAY! I’M GAY!”.

Finally, the devil came to the third man’s room and opened the door. Sitting in the middle of all the bud, in the exact same position the devil had left him in was the man. He looked up at the devil, and with a single tear rolling down his cheek he asked, “Hey man, got a light?”.

404 – Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, “404 Not Found,” which means the document requested couldn’t be located. “Don’t bother asking John. He’s 404.”

Adminisphere – The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant.

Alpha Geek – The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. “I dunno, ask Rick. He’s our alpha geek.”

Assmosis – The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Batmobiling – putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in “she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling”

Beepilepsy – The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Betamaxed – when a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in “Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market”

Blamestorming – A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Blowing Your Buffer – Losing one’s train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. “Damn, I just blew my buffer!” (Synonym: “Head Crash”)

Body Nazis – Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.

Bookmark – To take note of a person for future reference. “After seeing his cool demo at Siggraph, I bookmarked him.”

Brain Fart – A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; a burst of useful information. “I know you’re busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?” Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.

CGI Joe – A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Chainsaw Consultant – An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Chip Jewelry - Old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decoration. “I paid three grand for that Mac and now it’s nothing but chip jewelry.”

Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. “First we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.”

CLM (Career Limiting Move) – Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. “Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.”

Cobweb – a WWW site that never changes

Crapplet – A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. “I just wasted 30 minutes downloading that crapplet!”

Cube Farm – An office filled with cubicles.

Dead Tree Edition – The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms.

Dilberted – To be exploited and oppressed by your boss, as is Dilbert, the comic strip character. “Damn, I’ve been dilberted again! The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”

Dorito Syndrome – The feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. “I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.”

Egosurfing – Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one’s own name.

Elvis Year - the peak year of popularity as in “1993 was Barney the dinosaur’s Elvis year”

Generica – fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in “we were so lost in generica that I couldn’t remember what city it was”

Glazing – Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open; a popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. “Didn’t he notice that by the second session half the room was glazing?”

Going Postal – totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages

Gray Matter – Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms trying to appear more professional and established.

Graybar Land – The place you go while you’re staring at a computer that’s processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). “That CAD rendering put me in graybar land for like an hour.”

High Dome – egghead, scientist, PhD

Idea Hamsters – People whose idea generators are always running.

Irritainment – Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

It’s a Feature – From the old adage, “It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.” Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant problem you wish to gloss over.

Keyboard Plaque – The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on some people’s computer keyboards.

Link Rot – The process by which web page’s links become obsolete as the sites they’re connected to change or die.

Meatspace – the physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also “carbon community” “facetime” “F2F” “RL”

Mouse Potato – The on-line generation’s answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond – That minuscule fraction of time during which you realize you’ve just made a terrible error.

Open-Collar Workers – People who work at home or telecommute.

Percussive Maintenance – The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Perot – To quit unexpectedly. “My cellular phone just perot’ed.”

Plug-and-Play – A new hire who doesn’t require training. “That new guy is totally plug-and-play.”

Prairie Dogging – When something loud happens in a cube farm, causing heads to pop up over the walls trying to see what’s going on.

Ribs ‘N’ Dick – a budget with no fat as in “we’ve got ribs ‘n’ dick and we’re supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades”

Salmon Day – The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end. “God, today was a total salmon day!”

Seagull Manager – A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.

Siliwood – the coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers; also “Hollywired”

SITCOMs – What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. “Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage”

Square-Headed Spouse – Computer

Squirt the Bird – To transmit a signal up to a satellite. “Crew and talent are ready…what time do we squirt the bird?”

Starter Marriage – A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy – A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.

Swiped Out – An ATM or credit card that has been used so much its magnetic strip is worn away.

Tourists – Those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs. “There were only three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”

Treeware – Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Umfriend – One with whom one has a sexual relationship; as in, “this is Dale, my…um…friend.”

Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an online service’s rule of conduct. “Sorry I couldn’t get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.”

Uninstalled – Euphemism for being fired. Also: decruitment.

World Wide Wait – The real meaning of WWW.

Xerox Subsidy – Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

Yuppie Food Coupons – Twenty dollar bills from an ATM

This picture was shared by a friend of mine. I’m not sure of the source.

Three o’clock is the worst hour of the workday. Think about it:

9: Coming into the office, I’m jazzed. I log in, check my email, read the news, check a bunch of blogs where people who aren’t as smart as I think I am rant on and on about how Bush stole Ohio and Social Security is going to cause everyone to die at fifty and think that anyone actually cares about Dean v. Rosenberg.

10: Coffee! Go out, walk down the street, get a cup, and by the time I get back, it’s almost 11, which means…

11: Plan for lunch! Get out the menus I’ve got in my desk and fantasize about the food I can have at the many reasonably priced, easily-walkable lunch establishments in downtown San Francisco! After a bit of that, I’m ready for

12: Lunch “hour.” An “hour” gives you fifteen minutes of leeway on either side. The Lunch Choice Of The Day will probably involve Moo Goo Gai Pan or a 2/3 LB Monster Bacon Butter Cheese Human Lard Plus Thickburger, Topped With Whipped Cream and Deep Fried or (if I’m really unlucky), Subway sandwiches that suck so much even that alien cyborg Jared Fogle couldn’t eat them and lost weight. I go to Subway; it’s close.

1: Still at lunch “hour.” Done with eating, spending time at the table at Subway watching all of the really hot advertising chicks who would only talk to me if I threatened their mothers with a garrotte, and only then if they’d get a new handbag out of the deal.

1:20: Back to the office, time to check on the news in case anything happened in the late morning (Hey, Rudy T is quitting the Lakers!). Then it’s food coma. Sit at my desk clicking the mouse every few seconds to shift between programs, trying to make the windows somehow make a pattern as interesting as the screen saver I used to get stoned to back in college when I were supposed to be doing term papers. All that education is getting a workout now!

2: Still food coma. It’s about now that I should probably get some actual “work” done. Nothing like some cover sheet composition and printer paper jams to pass the time.

2:30: Ah, a post-lunch dump with a couple of printouts from ESPN.com. Bliss.

2:45 Oh no.

2:50 Christ, no.

2:55: It’s almost here, shit. Finally, I get off the toilet just in time for…

3:00 THE INFINITE HOUR. Time grinds to a halt. It’s too early to think about leaving, the food is gone from your stomach, you can’t leave for a coffee break because you spent so much time on the can earlier and someone would notice.

3:05: Are you kidding? Frantically scan the best-of-craigslist for something entertaining, only to find that Craig only updates the damned thing every few weeks.

3:09: Homestar Runner hasn’t updated either, Shit.

3:10:25 Check email. The send/receive button seems to be broken.

3:15-3:20 Fantasize about what the world would be like if 3:00 could just be skipped.

3:20:38: Check email. Apparently my penis is too small, and these guys want to help!

3:25: Start revenge fantasies. If 3:00 were a person. Shit, it *is* a person. 3:00 is that little pimply-faced fuck who *everybody* hated in elementary school; not because he was a nerd (the nerds kicked him out), but because he was a little bastard. That fuckhead tattled on everyone, made fun of the geeks for their subpar transformers collection, insulted the big guys for having too much earwax, tried to make girls touch his private regions during square dancing, and (to top it off), sucked at kickball. He’d be standing there insulting everyone while teams were chosen, and both captains would look at 3:00 for five long minutes and eventually embark on a best-of-11 rock-paper-scissors match to see who would have to take the little fucker. Then he’d kick into double plays, drop the bouncy red balls, pick his nose and wipe it on other people, and once he even pooed his pants. At age ten! What an ass.

3:30: That rant only lasted five minutes? 3:00 must die.

3:32:41 Check email. Nothing.

3:35: Think about ambushing 3:00 before the work day tomorrow and kicking the shit out of it. I can see the headline in the Chronicle: “Anthropomorphized time period assaulted. Suspect busted out of the pen by cheering crowd of cubicle slaves.”

3:38:12: Write email, realize I have nothing to say. I swear, hit send/receive, and watch the blue Outlook bar cross the screen.

3:38:18: Hey, that was fun! I do that five more times.

3:40: Drank three straight cups of water–going back and forth to the cooler is fun!

3:45: Watching the clock on my desktop. Resetting it to atomic time over and over doesn’t make it go any faster.

3:48:19: Check email. I qualify for a home loan! Even though my name is misspelled!

3:50: Cutting fingernails down to the quick and using the clippings to write things into my arm. I end up with marks that make me look like a heroin addict who can’t get his shit together.

3:52: Oh, dear God, end this hell now. Somebody post a funny blog entry or let a natural disaster strike somewhere or let George Bush say something stupid or anything at all. I hate my computer and I hate my co-workers and if that stupid fuck from Siebel calls again to help me maximize my sales potential I will hunt down his children and turn them into a poorly done, first-try-is-just-for practice taxidermy project.

3:53:01: Check email. That’s it, I’m hiring mercenaries, invading Nigeria, and stringing every banker in the place together by the balls, coating them in honey, and dropping them naked into a polar bear refuge in Siberia.

3:53:09: Check email. Nothing. I hate all of my friends.

3:54: The phone rings. It’s the guy from Siebel, wanting to “follow up” on a couple of “action items.” I’ll “action” his “items” right back up his smirking, job-security-having ass, until he has to sit backward to attempt to impregnate his wife. I won’t even try to explain that one. Figure it out.

3:56: I’m a puddle. I resolve to get hit by a car every day at 2:57 to avoid the 3:00 hour.

3:56:01.8: Check email. My dick just gets smaller, apparently.

3:57: I don’t even bother praying to God any more. It’s obvious He hates me, and invented the human race for his sick sport. Otherwise He would have made the day 23 hours, instead of 24. I pray to Satan instead, offering to become a serial killer and harvest souls for His Dark Majesty if He’ll only make the next three minutes go by at any semblance of normal speed.

3:58: Satan doesn’t answer. That cheap fuck.

3:59: Attempt to pass out. Fail.

3:59:21: Check email. Nothing

3:59:29: Check email. Nothing

3:59:31: Open up the clock icon in Windows and watch the second hand go by. I swear the programmers made it like those clocks in elementary school that tick *back* before they tick forward. I hate Microsoft. They’d be the first souls I’d harvest for Satan if the Prince of Darkness wasn’t such a cheap fuck.

4:00: I slump to my desk, exhausted, wrung out from the weeklong hour that just passed. In celebration, coffee!

4:15: The guy at the coffee place has huge dark circles under his eyes. I wonder what the Infinite Hour did to him?

4:30: Ah, coffee buzz. Peeing all the time because of all the water I drank earlier.

5:00: What? What happened? I’ve got a few things to do before…

5:30: Quitting time! Off to MUNI and then home. 22 hours until the next Infinite Hour.